“Some wounds run too deep for the healing.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
To cut to the chase -- I am one that harbors grudges.
If you wrong me, I will more often than not, have a difficult time in letting go of it.
As so eloquently stated by Ms. Rowling above, there are wounds that run so deep, they cannot heal.
And as far as I'm concerned, I believe it's detrimental to remember what it was that caused the initial wound -- it's the only way that history does not repeat itself. e.g., "Fool me once..."
You've no doubt heard the old saw -- "I'll forgive, but not forget."
I neither forgive or forget.
Call me stubborn or old-fashioned. Or both.
Self-protectionism and survival is more critical than copping to modern thought.
Because in the end, the one that dealt the hurt has likely not changed, neither have you.
Without an apology, the grudge lingers.
Do you forgive, forget, both or neither?
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I rarely give someone a second chance to hurt me, unless there's a lot of love involved.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful, beautiful pheasants! I've never seen them in real life.
Your photos of those pheasants are lovely. Pheasants in real life? Not so much!
ReplyDeleteAnd I am the same as you when it comes to forgive& forget ..I have to try incredibly hard to do it!
I have been hurt by an ex-brother-in-law that happened in 2001. I still have a hard time about it. He cheated me terribly on a house that my sister owned and when she died he sent me the "either buy it or get out" letter. Much as I'd like to, I still haven't been able to do the forgiveness thing with him. I should be ashamed to know that when his second wife came down with a health problem that requires him to take care of her for life, I smiled. Just a little. I know my sister would have.
ReplyDeleteVery hard.
Yep. I still harbor an old grudge too. When some people show you their true colors it is time to walk away from them. I just walk away and never let them into my life again. Don't even want them at my funeral when that day comes.
ReplyDeleteLife is too short I harbour grudges then move on...
ReplyDeleteForgive yes but never forget...retain that lesson in my file!...:) JP
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I hope YOU are okay - and - whoever has crossed you . . (oh my) - i hope they have become dust and blown away.
THEN, i want to thank you - because I have an growing issue and I like the way you express yourself - you help me look closely at my own stuff.
Just - Thank You - for sharing -
love & love, -g-
One thing I know . . . I don't forget. I don't harbor or let it fester . . . truthfully though, I might let it fester just a bit.
ReplyDelete"It" is just there in memory . . . just in case.
I guess that means I am not forgiving . . . so be it.
If something appears real and wrong and it has been done unto me, why would I walk that road again.
Excellent thought Nancy. This might bring us into living our new year.
Have you chosen your living life twenty thirteen word?
Oh Nancy great shots.
ReplyDeleteI forgive over and over and I guess I am a fool but I cannot hold a grudge it just makes my life miserable and the person that wronged me probably does not even remember what they did so why should I.
Call me a fool but I like being a little cautious and a lot naive. I am happy 95% of the time so it must work:)
Hug B
It has been very hard to learn, and I am still working on this, but forgiving is hard. I always thought that remembering helped to "protect" me from further pain.
ReplyDeleteA dear sweet friend who helped me when I was devastated with Lyme Disease, taught me that you must forgive to protect yourself from those nasty, gnarling feelings that are so strong they can even keep you sick. The person doesn't even have to know they're forgiven- you do it for yourself, not them!
I have also learned that I'm incapable of forgetting. It scares me to allow myself to be vulnerable, but those memories must not be dwelt upon. It takes constant work, but is worth it.
Wishing you all the best for a great New Year. I hope I have given you some good thoughts on a very hard topic. It's a constant struggle, but it allows freedom. When you dwell on something someone has done to you, you allow them to hurt you over, and over again.
Feel free to email you if you ever need encouragement.:)
I am never been able to hold a grudge. I forgive always, don't know if it is healthy but it is just who I am.
ReplyDeleteIt's so difficult, particularly when you know the person is not going to change.
ReplyDeleteThe pheasants are beautiful, especially in the snow!
ReplyDeleteI sometimes forgive, but never forget.
First let me say - your images are stunning!
ReplyDeleteSecond - I would LIKE to say that I FORGIVE and FORGET - but in all honesty ..... I TRY to forgive though it is VERY hard - and I TRY to forget ..... and that is very hard also. I think it's more like I COPE .... does that make sense?
It's pretty hard to forget what someone has done to hurt you, but I am one who believes you need to let it go at some point or it will fester in your body and can end up making you sick. And, there are times when enough is enough. Enabling is not good and you need to do something about it. Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteI love your photos.
ReplyDeleteI try to forgive, because it's what we're supposed to do; but yes, it is really hard to do that.
*hugs* ♥
Have a wonderful weekend!
"stubborn", "old-fashioned" ... maybe, but more so, I'd say you are being honest. Most people, if being truthful and not 'politically correct', harbor grudges on some level. Personally, I never forget and sometimes only marginally forgive. I may skirt around the issue - but don't be fooled, the grudge is still there, below the surface of civility.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, I really like the photos here! What did you do, build a 'snow fort' and hide inside! lol These pheasants are beautiful and look like our local ones.
ReplyDeleteNow, what do I do? I have learned that approaching/confronting the offender ASAP is very important....of course after a little time has passed and things are calmer. When I 'see' it more clearly and maybe understand where the offender was coming from, I either forgive or realize that they are oblivious to their actions and I will move forward without them in my life. If that is impossible, I will change the dynamic and alter any previous expectations I may have had of them.
I never forget but use the experience to teach me to react more appropriately the next time.
Holding grudges can be very stressful...which is not a good thing to hold on to, physically and emotionally.
Love the pheasants, I haven't seen one in ages, we're in the wrong area here.
ReplyDeleteMighty tasty, I remember!
Forgive? I don't know, I can't forget, so I would say not. With my brain succumbing to my age, somehow I can still remember all the hurtful things.
i wish i could be like buttons. but i do not let go. or let my guard down. and instead i live behind walls.
ReplyDeletelove the pheasants.
I guess it's not something I think about much. And I believe in karma....yes, it's going to take charge at some point. I keep hurtful and toxic people out of my life because engaging with them is a stress that I don't want or need. We are a drama free home:-)
ReplyDeleteIt's impossible for me to stay angry. But I also can't forget. I'll give people the benefit of the doubt and will forgive, to a certain extent, but like you, I believe it's important to learn from the experience and adjust the relationship as needed.
ReplyDeleteWishing you tons of blessings in 2013!!
Oh how I love that quote! I am one who can both forgive and hold a grudge. It comes down to how close you are to me and how sad I am that you wronged me. Closer/less meaningful friendships I tend to let it go easier, weird I guess!
ReplyDeleteI think you have to try to forgive, if the person is honestly sorry. You can remember just to be cautionary, but not hold a grudge. I bring it back to the Lord's Prayer. When it says Forgive us our trespasses (debts in some versions) AS WE forgive those who trespass against us. This means we are asking God to forgive us as we forgive others. It's literal. So, you are asking to be treated as you treat others. So, if you think you have ever sinned, and want forgiveness, you should forgive those that hurt you when they are sorry. At least try.
ReplyDeleteI don't hold grudges...but that doesn't mean I will let that person back in my life...unhealthy...I try to see the good in all situations...recently I reconnected with an old friend from over 30 years ago...they appologized from being a brat...funny thing..I had let it go way back when...but it bothered them all these years...now they are at piece too...great photos Nancy...
ReplyDeleteAs much as I wound love to say I don't hold grudges I kinda do. I Know you its not health for your soul. Maybe something I need to work on!
ReplyDeleteYour photos are so beautiful.
Hugs
I will forgive but the lack of trust will always be there. I believe in kindness but if you take advantage I will keep a person at arms length.
ReplyDeleteYour post is so timely that I think you were in my living room on Christmas day. When people are inconsiderate on Christmas, it seems to cut a little deeper.
ReplyDeleteTo your question though, forgiveness all depends on the transgression and the core of the person who did it. We are all just humans and we f up a lot.
I believe in forgiving a genuine apology.
Nancy, you are so refreshingly honest and that's one of the things I love about you! Oh, boy, do I know about holding grudges very well. My dad might be the world's #1 grudge holder, though. I will say that I'm trying to not hold grudges as I deepen my Christian walk. If someone slights me these days I try to tell myself that I may not be aware of something that is going on with that person and to be more patient. While I try to never hurt anyone intentionally, I'm far from perfect, and hope that I am given some leeway--especially if having a bad day. Repeat offenders, however, are challenging! I truly believe that forgiveness is good for the soul. Now I'll be interested to see what everyone else has said.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first saw the word 'grudges' I thought you were talking about some bird I had never heard of...and there are so many! BTW, these photos are outstanding. First, I do not forget...no way, no how. I agree with you...you and the other ain't gonna change. I retain the incident/information/slight/etc. as a learning experience to be referred to when necessary. Second, I'll forgive if I, somehow/someway, played a part in the 'wrong' and I'll apologize but I have to be met half way. IF I had nothing to do with the wrong, I usually realize that the other person is their own worst enemy and stay clear of them...no calls, no e-mails, no texting...nothing. As the years have passed, I've become more and more on guard and my 'frienemy' list has sadly grown. It's wonderful to have friends but life is just too short to be burdened with those who cut you to the core. I don't need the stress they add to my day. Bottom line...yes, I guess I am a grudge-holder but I do it quietly.
ReplyDeleteI do think forgiveness is important. It doesn't mean you have to continue a friendship or forget about the wrong. Forgiveness is simply saying you won't let that action continue to hurt.
ReplyDeleteAnd I hope I never do anything to get on your bad side. :-)
I sometimes spout hot at first injury, but do try to remember that most of the time those who have hurt me have done so either unwittingly or unintentionally. And even if it was a conscious wounding, I'd rather forgive than let it eat me alive. I remember a saying about unforgiveness which says: 'Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.' And I like this one from Confuscius saying: 'Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.'
ReplyDeleteI love these photos!
ReplyDeleteI definitely try to forgive, but I NEVER forget if someone has hurt me deeply. I don't think you can ever forget certain things. I don't like holding grudges because it seems like it sucks the life out of me. Sometimes I can't help it though. But usually I try my hardest to forgive.
I love your photos! Your post is one I could have written. I struggle with this same issue, and because I've been terribly wronged by my sister and her family, makes it even harder. I don't think that there will ever be forgiveness in this lifetime and I've found peace in that--But they say that forgiving or forgiving does not mean that you've given the message that what someone did was okay. It just means that you've let go of the anger--But that can be easier said than done. I think that if forgiveness was easy, everyone would be doing it... Just my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteSome of my lingering "muddledness" goes back to high school and forward...different situations and people...I have thought about myself over the years and of the people involved and only hope they have grown....I know I have grown immensely but trip every once in awhile...being human I believe.
ReplyDeleteI believe in second chances, I try my best to forgive
ReplyDeleteLovely pics... and ... I think when you harbor a grudge, it does you more harm internally than good. The negative vibe resonates, and ultimately the grudge holder pays a price. Honestly, I believe people deserve a second chance. We're only human and we all at some point will make mistakes we regret.
ReplyDeleteNo, I don't forgive OR forget easily.....and this is an area of my life that I wish was different. My dad taught us that even good people make bad choices on occassion and that everyone deserves a second chance. It is probably the ONE lesson of his that I have not embraced. Shame on me.
ReplyDeleteKathy
It is not easy to do either - but after I try and try I can forgive, but it is much harder to forget.
ReplyDeleteAcid does more damage to the vessel it is stored in, then to what it is poured on to.
sandie
I don't think I hold onto grudges... if I hold a grudge ...it causes me way more harm that the offender...so why would I give anyone that power over me? Usually if I'm offended I consider the source.... and feel pity for the offender more than anything else.
ReplyDeleteI can usually let it go, Nancy. But sometimes I must step away from the hurt and the person - negativity is no good for any of us. I like the photos you took of your visitors. I came by to say Happy New Year.
ReplyDeleteInteresting post. And beautiful photos, too. Pheasants are such pretty birds.
ReplyDeleteI can forgive if the person who has wronged me is sorry and I know they regret their words/actions. But those who continue to hurt me for petty reasons or out of jealousy, I can try to forgive, but then I want nothing more to do with them. Yes, I'm thinking of a particular person when I say this and it's amazing to me that they can't figure out why I don't want to be around them! "Hurt me once, shame on you; hurt me twice, shame on me" is a quote I sort of live by.
Well, this is how I feel about it. It is hard to forgive, but it would be even harder not to. I want to live a happy life, and I can't do that unless I move past anger and hurt. (And I hope that people will forgive me when I do stupid things, too.)
ReplyDeleteLovely captures! I once held a grudge against a particular person for over five years. It was the most miserable time of my life and I don't want to ever give anyone that kind of power over me again.
ReplyDeleteInteresting post. I have not read the comments but for me...holding onto hurts does me more damage than the one that I am holding the grudge against...so I set boundaries and move forward...I have had to do this with my mother but sometimes you have to put distance between you and toxic people.
ReplyDeleteNice pictures you show of the winter landscape and phases.
ReplyDeleteWish you a Happy New Year Nancy
Hanne Bente
as for me how i feel about it: forgive but never forget.
ReplyDeletethaaks for your thought provoking post and your lovely winter photos.
xx
I'm far too forgiving and too generous for my own good. :( I've learned many hard lessons because of this. Thinking about it, I am quick to forgive, but when it comes to my kids....if anyone hurts them, we're done. That's it. That's a line no one better ever cross.
ReplyDeleteBlessings to you and I hope you're ok. I love your photos, as always.
These wild pheasants are go gorgeous! I found one freshly killed on the road last spring in Eastern WA and I plucked some feathers to take with me. I felt bad doing so but then thought at least he didn't die in vain... Thank you for sharing on Weekly Top Shot #63!
ReplyDeleteLove the pictures of the pheasants, we don't have them around here! :)
ReplyDeleteIt is hard not to hold a grudge when someone is intentionally cruel. If an honest apology is given, then I try to move on; otherwise, I don't need that person in my life.
I have learned to forgive, although it took me decades to learn how to do it!!
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, not forgiving someone "ate" me up inside for too many years to count. I still remember, but now it is a very, very distant memory!
I have a tendency to hold grudges -- I'm Irish :-)
ReplyDeleteLove the photos, so pretty!
Visiting via Camera Critters :-)
bonkersinbarnhart.com
Hmmmm I guess I just try to "move on". I don't take trust lightly, and if I get burned, it's hard to forget!
ReplyDelete